I enjoy the holidays. Back when I was younger I would travel to see my family every year, always getting excited beforehand, beginning each trip with the idyllic fantasy of the ideal family holiday experience. As the first day or two passed by, I would struggle to stay upbeat in the face of the predictable family conflict of complaints about time spent or indifference as to who brings a certain dish or where the festivities would happen. Eventually I’d snap and withdraw, utterly disillusioned by the experience.
I found myself recalling those holiday events this past week as I am looking forward to Christmas with high spirits. I will be flying out of state to visit my parents, siblings, uncles, aunts and cousins – my entire family. My sister and I made plans to bake together. My father will cook one of my favorite meals. We will all reunite for a good meal, glad to see one another after time apart. Good food, meaningful conversations at the table, and maybe we will play some games in between the meal and dessert, just to let our food settle.
Hold on. Wait a minute.
Even a self-proclaimed optimist like me sometimes wakes up in time. I reviewed prior holidays and revised my vision of this coming Christmas and New Year to conform with past reality. My niece and nephew will be eager to see their local friends and probably won’t want to hang out much. They are in the phase of cultivating separate relationships from the family. And playing any kind of game as a family is absolutely out of the question. Trying to get family together to agree on one game is like herding cattle. I imagine myself feeling disappointed by Tuesday. And my mother has already forewarned me that she will spend most of the day watching television. So much for my visions of blissful family togetherness.
For those of us who came from very troubled backgrounds, the dream of happy family life is a potent one. Many of my clients are often tortured by the thought of happy families and togetherness during the holiday season. A deep sense of shame pervades their experience of Christmas, because other people — are having the kind of ideal holiday they have always wished for.
So my first bit of advice, for optimists like me, is to lower your expectations. Rather than trying to enact the ideal holiday, plan one that fits your actual family. How much time is too much? Maybe everyone doesn’t need to come over at noon, sit in front of the television for one or two football games, eat too much and then spend another hour or two trying to make space for dessert. Just because our culture has enshrined the all-day family event, that doesn’t mean you have to do it that way.
What I have noticed throughout the years is that it seems that the people who have the most satisfying holidays are those who spend them engaging with people where they find joy. Many individuals and families feel compelled to spend the holidays in traditional ways that make everyone unhappy. It is possible to experience the holidays in a more satisfying way.
On the other hand, I have very happy memories of spending time in the kitchen with my parents. Since I live in Los Angeles, I miss those holidays of everyone cooking together. Cooking is what I enjoy most about the holidays. I enjoy eating the meal, but I like preparing it even more, especially when I’m doing it with people I love. So as I am sitting here preparing for my holiday trip, bringing my expectations in line with reality, I decided to focus on that part of the experience. I felt better and less disappointed when I changed my expectations. An hour or two of reasonable family time is what I should expect, rather than looking forward to my idyllic togetherness marathon which will invariably be followed by disappointment when it falls apart.
Now, my second piece of advice. Put yourself first. Instead of succumbing to all the sentimental messages you receive, about feeling love and gratitude during this season of giving, make sure you spend the holidays the way you’d like to spend them. If you look after your own needs first, and don’t expect too much from other people, you might find yourself having a few intermittent exchanges of meaning with the people who matter most to you. Now that’s something to be truly grateful for.
Happy Holidays everyone!
