A dilemma that we all grapple with in relationships is telling a potential significant other about our past. Although we understand no one can be or should be perfect, it may be difficult to tell a potential significant other about something in your past that you wish had never happened. Will they accept you after you tell them about your past? Will they love you, find you desirable if they know who you really are?
Making Peace with Your Past, Present and Future
While most of us will eventually divulge past life events to those we care about, some things we’ve experienced remain as emotional burdens we can’t forget, no matter how hard we try. For example, you may have passed through an “experimental” stage in life, especially in late adolescence and early adulthood, when you used drugs, were sexually promiscuous or took advantage of someone financially, emotionally or both. Perhaps you were abused as a child and are in counseling to resolve psychological issues affecting your ability to find peace and meaning in your life. When extremely personal events like these cannot be discovered, are you obligated to tell your soul mate, future spouse or best friend?
With serious relationships that may result in marriage or co-habitation, it may be in the best interest of everyone involved to divulge information that could come as an “inconvenient” surprise to another. If time passes, you may risk your partner feeling that you are not being honest. Use your intuition to distinguish whether a potential partner has a sense of what you have to offer in the relationship before you can be vulnerable in disclosing.
Secrets carry shame, fear and the worry of not feeling worthy: worthy of being good enough, worthy of being touched and loved. Everything will depend on how you feel about who you are and how comfortable you are with the secret. It’s important to remember if you’re explaining something from a place of victimization or heroism. Emphasis on how you overcame a situation and how you grew from it turns shame into strength.
Don’t Let Your Past or Other People Victimize You
Successful relationships begin with each person sharing their strengths, their vulnerabilities and the knowledge that conflict may follow certain disclosures. Some people may consider it “ancient history” whether you have had multiple sexual partners, abused drugs, or have a history of sexual or physical abuse and choose to stay with the one they love. Others may find it disturbing and decide to break off the relationship. If they tell you that upfront, you don’t have to spend time wondering and living in ambiguity. That would be a blessing in disguise.
Just because you think you know how someone will react when you tell them you are a flawed doesn’t mean that is how they will react. Moreover, trust cannot be established in a relationship until both parties move past negative feelings, such as shame, fear and feeling unworthy of another’s love and admiration, to the revelation that enjoying the moment by living in the moment is the epitome of what it is to be a loving and forgiving human being.
And while you are wondering how you will be sharing, realize they probably have something to tell you too. When we are emotionally invested in our own dark side, it’s hard to know that others have a dark side too.
