If someone you care about says “if you love me, then you would (fill in the blank),” you are actually hearing that person’s anxieties. Underlying these anxieties is a need to control the parameters of how love is shown. You want your partner to make you feel better by trying to communicate in the only way you know how to–by attempting to control his or her behavior. When our ego is wounded, we learn to cope with unmet expectations by finding sometimes overt ways to get others to “prove” their love and loyalty. Although it feels relieving to ask or make these statements, it never leaves you satisfied because of the reasons behind making the statement.
When You are the One Saying “If You Love Me, You Would …”
Unrealistic expectations in relationships often have their roots in childhood when emotional needs are not adequately met by parents or guardians. Unmet needs naturally cause powerful feelings of hurt, disappointment and mistrust that are difficult to cope with or resolve. Consequently, a child learns it must control another’s behavior in order to gain a sense of security it never enjoyed during childhood. By controlling others to feel loved and avoid pain, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Healing Begins with Learning to Love Yourself
Learning to accept, embrace and explore ourselves begins with understanding that those beliefs we created as children arose from our vulnerability and faith in our caregivers. As adults who experienced less-than-perfect childhoods, we must now begin healing our insecurities and distrustful inner child with self-love, self-respect and self-affirmation.
Living for the future or in the past causes anxiety, fear and depression. It also fuels the compulsion to say “if you love me, then you would…”. Instead of worrying about what could happen or letting past hurts stop you from looking inward to your own insecurities, start focusing on the here and now.
Think about your friends and family members who really know you and cherish you unconditionally. Of all the people you know, who accepts your true self, the self you love and enjoy being? When you realize who they are, start relying on them more during your time of healing but also give more back in return for their love and respect.
The Truth
You will never feel better asking others to validate your self-worth and value if your reasons for asking comes from your internal feelings of insecurity. I have yet to meet someone who honestly feels better after asking or making a statement of this kind. In fact, it is far more likely that you will feel worse. Over time, this behavior eventually results in creating whatever it is we are trying to prevent. We control the external situation to get love and avoid pain, yet by controlling rather than loving ourselves and others, we create the very pain we are trying to avoid. Your expectations in relationships are fertile areas for exploration within yourself and with your partner. Take the time to learn and explore, in order to heal and grow.
