A vital but overlooked component of enjoying healthy, happy and fulfilling relationships is setting boundaries. Being social creatures with inherent tendencies to avoid conflict with others, humans have difficulty establishing boundaries. Although some people experience less problems with setting boundaries that they expect others to appreciate, most of us balk at the idea of telling someone we love to “not go beyond this point.”
Fear of setting boundaries emerges from our fear of disappointment from others or being alone. We fear that setting boundaries will annoy or anger someone we care about and force them to move away from us. We fear setting boundaries will make us seem demanding, overly critical and not worthy of having a relationship with that person. Most of all, we fear setting boundaries because we may have set boundaries in the past and suffered emotionally from such actions.
The Necessity of Setting Boundaries
Many times, we simply assume the other person with which we have a solid relationship knows what we consider a “boundary.” For example, if someone you consider a good friend borrows money from you for the first time, you may assume this person understands the importance of paying you back. Your assumption, however, comes from your belief that it is morally right to repay a friend when they are nice enough to loan you money.
One day, this person comes to you with a “hard luck” story and asks to borrow money again. What do you do? Should you preserve the relationship and prevent conflict by providing the money without communicating your boundaries? Or should you nicely but firmly inform your friend you can’t loan him or her any more money until he pays you back?
Meaningful Relationships Start with Communicating Your Boundaries
Anyone who respects the boundaries of others deserves the same kind of respect from those with whom they have relationships. Communicating your boundaries does not make you a “mean” person. It simply tells others that you respect yourself and want the relationship to continue without the problems caused by miscommunication.
Boundaries demonstrate what you believe in and how you expect to be treated. People who negotiate relationships through an unrealistic lens of expectations sets the relationship up for failure. Remember, you shouldn’t expect someone to be able to read your mind.
Expectations and assumptions in relationships can sabotage that relationship if neither person is communicating their boundaries. You will probably be surprised at the positive reaction you receive when you start communicating your boundaries to people you care about. By setting boundaries, you are actually communicating your affection for that person and your strong desire for the relationship to be mutually satisfying and meaningful.
