Do you have friends that take a “dump” on you, dominating phone conversations or dinner conversations talking about their problems all the while showing no interest in you? When you have these interactions, do they leave you feeling “shitty”? Well then, you have been introduced to the toilet function of relationships.
Humans are social creatures, thriving on the love and support we receive from family members and friends. Establishing a genuinely affectionate, reciprocal relationship with another individual takes time, effort and a strong sense of empathy. In fact, a relationship could be compared to the planting of two seeds close together in the earth that sprout and thrive from the unconditional support of the other seed.
In the beginning of some relationships, the “seed” we think engenders a supportive and caring, reciprocal relationship sometimes turns out to be with someone that continuously dumps all their problems on you – which makes you feel like a “toilet.” These relationships can grow tedious and unsatisfying knowing that the person repeatedly makes the same mistakes, gets romantically involved with the same wrong person or gets hurt again and again.
Of Talk Therapy and the Toilet Function of Relationships
Talk therapy, or the “talking cure” as Freud originally described it, is the foundation of psychoanalytic therapy. Talk therapy was discovered after a 19th century patient with somatoform disorders–physical issues with no known physical cause–“cured” herself after talking incessantly about her health problems. Freud recognized that patients experienced emotional relief after talking through their problems. What was not clear at the beginning was that many patients were unconsciously using their sessions to evacuate their pain rather than gain insight.
In early development, this is a normal part of learning how to communicate. Children have little capacity for understanding or bearing their emotional experience. Parents teach them what they need and how to tolerate their own emotional experience. When parents are not able to give children what they need, a child learns to project outward their emotional experience. These are the relationships that I am talking about.
Is Being a Good Listener the Same as Being a Good Friend?
Relationships should contribute to the well-being and emotional growth of all those involved in the relationship. While your friend or partner might seem happy to unload all their problems on you, what you are feeling certainly isn’t cathartic–it’s resentment, frustration and disappointment in yourself for being the “toilet” in a relationship.
If your friend constantly complains about his or her life to you, understand that they are not learning anything about the choices they are making. Of course, friends should support each other but support isn’t simply listening. It’s providing rational insights into why your friend is always experiencing drama in their lives. It’s helping that friend understand why their life is fraught with problems, offering advice and encouraging them to make positive changes. It also means ending relationships that prevent you from growing emotionally and intellectually as a person.
It raises the question of our own communication style and what it means to be in a relationship. Take a look and see whether you allow others to see who you really are versus using them as an ear that you pour all your troubles. We all deserve to enjoy relationships that encourage you to flourish emotionally, help you learn things about yourself you didn’t know and give you the kind of support you give in return.
