Mothers play a vital role in the development of their son’s perception of what it is to be a “man.” A popular belief regarding the mother-son dynamic that influenced psychoanalytic theory during the 20th century–the Oedipus complex–is no longer an accepted concept. However, I don’t doubt that there are some children who wish to be more closely aligned with their opposite sex parent and feel antagonistic toward the one who is viewed as a threat to them.
Psychologists today understand that mothers can impact their son’s ability to connect to their emotional (relational) side in healthy or unhealthy ways. Mothers who are frequently absent, unable to show affection towards their son, mentally ill or suffering a personality disorder often raise sons who feel threatened by commitments, fail to develop intimate relationships, fear independence from their mothers or engage in superficial promiscuity. With societal pressure constantly dominating a man’s childhood (i.e., the pressure to conform to masculine stereotypes), how a mother raises her son will powerfully influence his relational skills as an adult.
Why Some Men Fear Commitment
Committing to an intimate relationship involves two people who love each other and want to spend, presumably, the rest of their lives together. But what would cause a man to act like he wants to invest in a long-term relationship and then suddenly and inexplicably back away when things become too “real”?
Overprotective Mothers
Overprotective mothers may think they are being “good” mothers by not allowing their sons to get physically or emotionally hurt. However, interfering and controlling their son’s lives does not allow boys to cultivate the sense of self-confidence, self-worth and independence they need to mature into relational men secure in their masculinity and emotional intelligence. Sons raised by overprotective or domineering mothers may be psychologically weak, overly dependent on anyone entering his orbit and passive-aggressive due to feelings of unresolved anger and resentment.
Emotionally Absent Mothers
Children need physically and emotionally present mothers to develop a solid sense of self-esteem and security. When a mother neglects a son emotionally, he may suffer “insecure attachment” issues involving avoidance of close relationships, general fearfulness of being abandoned (again) and reduced ability to experience genuine happiness in relationships. In fact, longitudinal studies show that boys who never bonded with their mother or other caregivers are at a higher risk for being diagnosed with oppositional defiant or antisocial disorder as an adult. Exacerbating relational problems affecting sons of unloving mothers is the perpetual stereotype of masculinity–silent, unemotional, stoic and uncompassionate.
Mothers of Relational Men
Mothers who raise sons to be emotionally intelligent encourage them to express their feelings and empathize with others. Relational men are confident in their own skin and readily resist buying into masculine stereotypes. They grow up to understand you don’t have to act “tough” to prove who you are, nor is it wrong to show empathy and compassion towards women with which they are in relationships. They seek rather than avoid commitment with someone they love and want to spend their lives with. Relational men are authentic.
