The debate over whether gender is a biological or social construct continues to dominate conversations, especially regarding what it means to be masculine in the 21st century. Although boys are still treated differently than girls, this gendering process is not as strongly supported by parents today as it was 30 years ago.
Modern Men and Gender Identity
When a man is characterized as “masculine,” this means he is perceived as tough, stoic, fearless and even aggressive. Unfortunately, men who appear masculine but do not meet or exceed expectations of what society expects a man to “be” suffer from put-downs of being less than, or even homophobic slurs. Before young boys develop they are indoctrinated into a culture that says that the more invulnerable you are, the more masculine you are. Men are taught about relationships through the context of patriarchal values and models of power. But what happens when boys become men who are uncomfortable with expressing emotion? Do those same men go on to struggle with self-blame, low self-esteem and thoughts of inadequacy?
Unfortunately, they can and often do, but only because they have been taught to adopt a gender role assigned to them by society at large, and well-meaning parents worried about what society thinks rather than what their child wants and needs.
Striking a Balance to Heal …
For men who suffered through a childhood filled with cruel attacks about not being a “real man” simply because they viewed sports, violence and aggressiveness as meaningless and distasteful identifiers, learning to come to grips with their masculinity means understanding how the pressure to conform to a gender construct contributes nothing to their ability to develop satisfying friendships, fulfilling intimate relationships and, more importantly, a spiritual connection with their innermost self.
What many men fail to realize is that society’s definition of masculinity is nearly as old as the human race itself. It is outdated, superficial and severely restricting. In fact, studies show that most women prefer men to be sensitive, emotional, open and caring. It is, not surprisingly, other men who uphold the antiquated version of masculinity because they have been indoctrinated by parental and/or societal notions of what men should look and act like. Their fear of being ostracized is greater than their fear of being true to their feelings.
Accept yourself without reservation or self-criticism. Love others without reservation or criticism. Although men and women are biologically different, they do not differ in their desire to love and be loved. In the big picture, gender doesn’t really matter as long as you have empathy and love for yourself and for others.
