“It’s hard to remember we swim in an ocean
Of great love, so easy to fall into bickering
Like little birds at the feeder fighting over millet
Unaware of how large the bag of grain.”
~Unknown
When I was growing up, the sound of my parents bickering would bring any joyous activity to a halt. It was like listening to a broken record that had been scratched and played way too many times. In most cases, the replaying soundtrack is the sign of a distressed relationship.
Relationships can be wonderful. They can be a source of love, mutual respect, and adoration which is truly irreplaceable. However, like anything else in life, there are flip sides to relationships. Even in the healthiest situations where issues like manipulation, violence, and disrespect are not even on the radar, bickering and arguments are bound to emerge. To some extent, this is healthy. It is not feasible to expect to always agree and get along with another person no matter how positive the relationship is. However, when bickering turns into a routine aspect of your relationship, the consequences can be detrimental to a healthy situation.
I think of bickering as a slow, low-intensity warfare that can lead to the demise of a relationship. It’s like once listening to a sweet melody that has begun to sour and flatten.
A relationship that is stuck in a cycle of constant bickering can be difficult to break out of because it’s hard to know where it all began. The emotional, mental, and even physical toll that it takes on both you and the other person can be tiring. Whether the subject matter feels like a crisis at the moment or miniscule, the end result is the same. Both of you end up feeling misunderstood, unheard and exhausted. The stress related to endless bickering can negatively affect your health, causing you to feel on edge, overly stressed, and even experience physical symptoms like elevated blood pressure and headaches.
The emotional strain caused by a cycle of bickering can last far beyond the ending of a relationship. Arguments that don’t ever seem to let up can stir up feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and insecurity. Once those negative seeds are planted and the roots are laid, it is a challenge to undo the damage.
But, how do you salvage a relationship and put an end to the unnecessary bickering?
Pay attention to what is working.
First, consider what is working. When it comes to communication, is there an aspect that is beneficial and functioning well? Do arguments come to an end quicker when you give the other person space or when you talk it out? Are you able to avoid bickering all together by avoiding the other person’s triggers? Consider what is working and capitalize on that by trying to apply that methodology to other aspects of your relationship that is not working.
Vulnerability.
Many times, with arguments, we can go on the defense and hide behind a protective emotional wall that does not allow for vulnerability. If you and the other person both have walls up, there is no room for communication. Break down that barrier and lean into vulnerability. Are you bickering about the toilet seat being left up because of a deeper issue like you feel like your partner is inconsiderate? Allow yourself to open up and communicate those uncomfortable feelings you may have. It could be that you feel insecure about something your partner has no idea about and that is truly the root of the problem.
Reflection.
Take a moment to reflect on the argument and, where it applies, take responsibility and accountability for your part in it. If you hurt your partner in a way that you know can blow up into something bigger, take a moment to consider how you could have changed your actions and approached the situation differently. For example, if you know your chronic lateness is something that can cause a fight, but you carelessly continue in that vein without being accountable, that is a situation where you should consider your part in the argument that later ensues.
A relationship with heavy bickering can cause more pain than joy but it doesn’t have to stay that way when you focus and reapply the good aspects of your situation, allow yourself to be vulnerable, and accept accountability.
