When you think of intimacy, a deep and personal connection to others may be the first thing that comes to mind. However, intimacy is not exclusively about how one relates to or interacts to those close to them. While it can be a shared experience, it only takes one person to make it happen. Intimacy has two possible paths and aside from the type that is linked to another, there is a type of intimacy that relies on oneself.
The process of intimacy is two pronged. First there is the process of confronting yourself. This can sound like a daunting task, like standing in a mirror and forcing yourself to reveal all the hard truths. However, confronting yourself is more about leaning into those uncomfortable realities and reconciling them to allow you to start on a path of healing and opening yourself up to intimacy with another person.
The second prong to the process of intimacy is self-disclosure. This is a type of communication where you allow yourself to disclose deep and guarded parts of yourself with another person. Although it is much easier said than done, it allows a level of intimacy to begin to bud that otherwise would not be possible. What you choose to share, how you choose to share it, and how much you choose to share is an individual choice. It is not likely to happen all at once because vulnerability is a process. Sharing your failures, insecurities and fears with another creates a foundation of trust and closeness.
These two processes lead to two types of intimacy, other-validated and self-validated. Other-validated intimacy relies on the acceptance, acknowledgment, and validation of another to maintain an intimate connection. In other words, if you self-disclose to a partner, then I expect my partner to self-disclose too. And, if they don’t, I won’t either – it’s only fair. Self-validated intimacy is where you turn to yourself, without expectations from another person, to validate your self-worth or identity. You are able to hold firm to your image of yourself with or without another’s confirmation.
While other-validated intimacy can be a warm and welcomed emotion when it occurs, self-validated intimacy should always be a priority. When you are able to create a personal foundation of validation, self-worthiness, and identity that is not contingent on another’s image of you; you are able to be a stronger version of yourself. Self-validated intimacy also allows you to pursue other relationships with an unshakable resilience that cannot be altered because an outside person tries to reshape your self-image.
