Here we go again. You promised yourself that you’d never have the same old argument, but here you are having it again.
Do you wonder why you and your partner have repetitive fights? Is it possible to have a fight-free relationship? I think not.
Disagreements and arguments are inevitable in relationships. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. But when lines or boundaries are crossed, it is important to repair. To do that, you need to be able to listen to the other person’s feelings and understand that he or she experiences things differently than you.
When you’re having an argument, what many people don’t realize is that it is not about money, sex or household work; it is about the form that the argument takes. What is at the core of the argument is a feeling of lack of affection, being understood, respect, and/or power.
Improving your ability to communicate with your partner begins with understanding why disagreements are often about the same things. Here are four common reasons why relationships suffer from repetitive fighting that can provide the insight you need to stop fights before they begin.
4 Reasons Why Couples Fight About the Same Things Over and Over Again
Confirmation Bias
When you consciously or unconsciously search for “proof” that your beliefs are true and refuse to acknowledge facts that undermine your beliefs, you are engaging in confirmation bias. It gives you an order to your feelings. If you did this, then it must mean this. The problem with this line of thinking is that if you have a crappy way of seeing an experience through a negative lens, then all flows from it. Sometimes you would rather have a crappy order, than no order at all.
For example, you have a “date night” scheduled and your partner works overtime and forgets. You state to your partner that you purposefully didn’t come home because I don’t matter to you. Even though your partner told you, “It’s my fault I forgot our date night, and I’m sorry.” You find a way to prove them wrong. You would rather have confirmation of your own truth, than to be proven wrong.
Confirmation bias provides you with the comfort that only one person can be right – you. Rather, than realizing you are not the only one in a relationship and that your partner has different feelings, experiences and a point of view that should be taken into account.
Negative Escalation Cycle
Do you suspect your partner sometimes provokes you just to see how angry they can make you? This dynamic is when we incite the same behavior we don’t want. For instance, I am going to talk to you until you get angry, then I am going to say you are always angry and it’s hard to talk to you.
An example of negative escalation:
Dana: “Why have you been coming home so late recently?”
Eddie: “I’ve been putting in some extra hours to pay for our vacation.”
Dana: “But staying just an hour or two later isn’t going to make that much of a difference in your pay. I don’t’ think that is the reason. I just don’t understand why you keep coming home so late.”
Eddie: “Listen, I’m trying to make things better for us? Can’t you see that?”
Dana has succeeded in angering Eddie without telling him she’d rather have him home than working overtime.
Negative Attribution Bias
Another dynamic that can be in play in an argument is negative attribution bias. It is the tendency to attribute positive events to yourself and negative events to your partner. If I’m treating you poorly, it’s because I had a bad day. If you’re treating me poorly, it’s because you’re a bad person. It’s the thinking that my experience is tied to a situation but yours is based on your character.
Assuming Emotions are Facts
Emotions can be powerful and all-consuming but they do not make something true or false. Most couples and friends think that when they say something during a conflict that it is the absolute truth, rather than it being a reflection of an experience they felt in the situation. If I feel it, then it is a fact. Remember … feelings are not facts.
None of these dynamics are productive because they lead to the same old fights. Moreover, we blame our partners and friends for escalating the arguments and fail to see how much we contribute to our own misery.
De-escalate Arguments by Reflecting Not Reacting
A tried and true form of help comes from switching from reacting to reflecting. When you’re having a conflict, before you disagree, try telling the person you’re speaking with what you heard them say.
Improve communication between you and your partner by saying “What I heard you say is …”, “I’m afraid that …,” “How you are feeling?”, or simply, “I’m sorry.” Learning more about ways to de-escalate and enhance your communication helps you cultivate the communication skills necessary to have a healthy argument with your partner.
