There is a lot of worthy relationship advice on the Internet. Most of the relationship advice tends to be practical. However, almost none of it suggests that your own psychological issues may lie at the root of persistent and recurrent conflicts in your relationships.
So here are a few of my own personal, idiosyncratic bits of relationship advice for how to improve emotional rapport with your significant other.
I’m Right–No, I’m Right. Well, We Can’t Both Be Right!
This is aimed at those individuals that assume they are always right. If you are assuming you are always right, it is a defense that you may actually be wrong on some issues. Many times when one person is so concerned about winning a conflict they are no longer able to see their partner’s perspective. Instead, the partner becomes an obstacle.
In order to begin learning how to “argue well,” you have to fully embrace this part of relationship advice. It is difficult to manage your own emotions in the face of conflict and not be in the mode where you’re geared up to defend incoming criticism and then hurl it back.
When you experience a conflict in which you think the other person is viewing you in this manner, try using an “I” statement to reaffirm your existence as a real person. You can also try to think in your mind about your partner’s position; if necessary, try to articulate your partner’s point of view, even ask for clarification or examples.
You could say, “I am feeling quite upset and unhappy at what is happening between us and I really don’t want this to continue.” Never blame the other person for making you upset by saying “You know, you made me so upset and mad” or “It’s all your fault I feel so terrible.” This will only increase the conflict and make it harder to find a resolution. On many occasions, I have found that once I eventually cooled down and listened with an open-mind — I was shocked to find some important elements of truth coming from the other side.
Blame is the enemy of intimacy. I know a psychologist I deeply respect, who holds that the primary function of many (bad) relationships is blame. By projecting blame, the other partner becomes the holder of all the unwanted aspects of yourself that you feel ashamed of. While this may sound cynical, I have found it holds true in more cases than you might think. By assuming you’re in the wrong, you can make a start on defusing blame and taking responsibility.
Honesty Isn’t Always the Best Answer to Resolving a Relationship Problem.
Do not confuse “lying” with “being honest.” Telling a significant other something that you know is not true is lying. Not telling your partner something that won’t make a difference in the relationship is a form of honesty that eliminates the potential for unnecessary conflict. If your past included a relationship with someone you will never see or hear from again, why tell a partner about that relationship? Of course, what you choose to be honest about should depend on how it may impact the sustainability of a relationship.
I don’t have a clear definitive answer about being honest; it’s up to you to decide what you need to say in the interests of open communication and what you should keep to yourself if it might inflict needless pain.
Love Is Never Enough for Overcoming Relationship Issues.
Have you ever heard somebody say “I love him/her, but I hate him/her”? This answers the question “is love enough”? No, love is not enough. I want to be clear that love is a basic pillar of any relationship of the couple. It implies the capacity to link desire, emotional intimacy and a sense of fulfillment of joint ideals. However, love does not compensate for the inevitable conflicts that will arise between two people. You also need to be empathetic, open to communicating and reasonable when resolving arguments. Compromise is just as important as love in relationships.
Sex is a Pleasure AND a Responsibility.
A leading cause of relationship conflicts is sex, especially when one person wants sex more than the other. When you enter into an intimate relationship, indicate to your partner that you enjoy sex and later on start avoiding sex, your partner will naturally assume you no longer love them as much as you once did. If there is a reason why one partner does not want sex, don’t remain silent. Communicate with each other about the issue with compassion, respect and empathy.
