I have not written a blog post in several years which is unusual for me. These last few years I’ve been consumed by the events in my life, mostly enjoyable: vacations with friends, visiting family, and creating space for self-reflection – an attempt to savor and experience what I felt was lost during the pandemic. The ways in which we live and socialize have changed since the pandemic. Online took off and hasn’t gone back to how it was before. It has left many socially stunted. I talked briefly about this in a previous post on the Lost Art of Communication. Relationships and having a connection seem crucial at this time.
I must admit that I have often prioritized having deep meaningful conversations and dismissed the idea of small talk as boring and unengaging. But, in the last few months, I’ve been moved by moments of small talk, interacting with people I don’t know – fellow diners, patrons at the coffee shop, Lyft/Uber drivers, and individuals at the farmer’s market.
A month ago I was in the grocery store doing my weekly prep for the week, a man approached me saying, “I can’t believe the store is so busy on a Sunday morning.” I replied, “I know. It does seem really busy, maybe everyone is preparing for the great tropical storm in Los Angeles.” He laughed and said, “These days, everything feels like a storm you are preparing for.” We both chuckled and understood the meaning – we’re living in chaotic and stressful times and the storm is one of many stresses that everyone is experiencing. Even though this conversation lasted a few minutes, I found myself feeling refreshed and delighted to connect with someone, even if it was on the topic of a busy day in the grocery store.
And, then again, I went out with a close friend to a wine bar. My friend and I ordered drinks and some light food to start. I decided to look around the room for food that seemed appealing to my eye. When I looked to my left, I couldn’t help but focus on the man sitting right next to our table enjoying his food. My friend and I looked at one another and then turned to the man next to us. We looked back at each other and I instantly saw the expression on my friend’s face – the expression of someone trying to figure out what to say – her expression mirrored what I felt. Finally, he rescued both of us.
“How is your food? You picked a good choice on the drinks,” he said.
“Thanks! Your food looks way better.” I said.
“You should order it. It’s the best,” he said. “I come here a lot. The food is fresh and the atmosphere is lively.”
“This is our first time here!” we exclaimed.
A fun conversation started about food, the restaurant, and culture. (Steve) mentioned that he was having difficulty engaging with people. (I can’t believe it … him too). I felt a sense of relief. I was not the only one. I think we have all suffered our share of social atrophy after having little interactions and conversations with others years into a global pandemic.
This last month has taught me that in this post-pandemic age, we are all struggling with finding our way and learning how to navigate social interactions with strangers. But, it also reminded me of when I would visit my parents in Texas. I would spend the summer days relaxing on the porch, reading, and just watching the people pass by. Some walked and some drove, but a passing wave of the hand would turn into a conversation about one’s day, the weather, or what was happening in the world. I was amazed at how rejuvenating it felt to engage on a human level.
Even when small talk is inconsequential, there’s something nice about two different strangers passing time together, engaging in a dance of trying to find some small thing in common. And when done well, small talk is a kind of elixir of aliveness that makes life so rich. My parents are living proof that small talk is a bridge to others. They rarely miss an opportunity to engage in small talk wherever we go – and it’s beautiful to watch. I didn’t realize its importance until I had to be without it during the pandemic. Now I realize it is the first step into the entrée of conversation … and connection.
If you find yourself in a seemingly inconsequential small talk, remember the incredible benefits it brings. Think of it as starting a workout routine. At first, your system will complain and it will feel awkward, but if you push through, you will soon enjoy exercising (socializing) because you can feel how it changes something inside of you and improves your life.
