Between the daily stress of living through a pandemic, the political and racial polarization and all the repeated lockdowns, it has been difficult to feel truly connected to each other. Too often conversations involve people dumping their problems, trying to assert their position – red or blue, black or white, or conversations where people just want to talk about themselves.
Here’s a fairly common experience that I’ve had: I’m on the phone with an acquaintance I haven’t spoken to in a while. I’m asking questions, catching up since we last spoke. And, about 20 minutes pass … we’re still taking about the other person. I start to get the feeling that he or she has no interest in hearing from the person who’s listening.
Sometimes with friends, conversations can sometimes mean waiting your turn to discuss your story or waiting for the gap in the conversation where you can leap in. The inability to effectively engage the other adds to the problem, leaving everyone feeling more alone than ever.
As a therapist, I’m trained to be one of the best listeners in the world. I’m a lifelong student of human nature and interaction. That is why when I experience interactions in my life, it gives me a portal into understanding an individual’s experience on each side. When you look deeply into this kind of behavior, you recognize that there is an unquenchable need for a person to be listened to so that they feel significant. For those individuals, often times their families and upbringing were so deficient or the parental attention so lacking that the need to dominate a conversation becomes important.
I think what many of us long for, and often times find rare, is that kind of conversation where we’re not talking about me or you but about an idea or current event or commonalities with family. The exchange of ideas where one person is adding to or disputing what someone else has just said, makes me feel like I’ve learned something or we’ve both come to a new understanding.
Tips for Making Conversation with Your Friends, Family, Neighbors, and Even Strangers
When you leave the venting, dumping, and self-involved exchanges in the past, you can ensure all your conversations let people know you care. You can avoid causing people to zone out, shut down, or otherwise disconnect. Here’s how to communicate instead.
Find a Shared Passion or Interest to Discuss
Everyone has challenges they face day in and day out, which is why it’s so easy to use them as the center of the conversation. But the real magic comes from finding shared passions and interests to talk about instead. With that, you can keep every conversation much more positive and find common ground that strengthens your bonds.
Listen to Understand, Not Simply Respond
When chatting with someone, it is important to listen to understand, not simply to formulate a response. By listening intently, you make the other person feel heard and show that you care about their thoughts and feelings. Although that might mean taking an extra moment to respond, you’ll be able to connect on a deeper level than ever before and avoid accidentally one-upping their experience.
Use Questions to Show Interest and Improve Understanding
After listening, you have a chance to show interest and further improve your understanding by asking questions. Simply asking for more details about what you’re being told will instantly let the other person know that you care about what they’re saying. Allow yourself to be curious and make inquiries that encourage them to talk about the subject to the fullest.
Ask Before Venting – and Check Before Giving Advice
Sometimes, people just need to chat about their problems with a trusted confidant. But if you just start venting, you may be overstepping boundaries, but more importantly, you are not taking in the other person’s experience. Instead, ask if your conversation partner has the bandwidth to hear your frustrations.
In addition, if you’re talking with someone who’s venting to you, listen and make them feel heard. If you feel like you have valuable tips to share, ask if they’re looking for solutions or just wanting to vent before giving advice.
When you use these tips to improve your conversations, you’ll likely notice improvement and a deepening in your relationships. Conversations will likely feel much more enlivening, leaving you wanting more or learning something new.
Like any skill, you need to practice engaging in great conversations to create the connections you want in your life. Practice makes perfect!
