I am reminded of a couple I knew some time ago, that dressed alike and even shared a single cell phone. I always wondered why they never had a separate phone, even more so why they felt the need to dress alike. In intimate relationships we often begin to form a joint identity through activities and friendships, but for some this new joint identity begins to overshadow the individual’s sense of separate self. I am sure we have all known couples that virtually do everything together, joined at the hip like Siamese twins.
Codependency is characterized by a person belonging to a dysfunctional, one-sided relationship where one person relies on the other for meeting nearly all of their emotional and self-esteem needs. The needs of one partner usually takes precedence over those of the other. The codependent partner usually denies their needs and is devoted to caring for the other partner.
True dependency in emotional relationships is learning the ability to see that you are distinct from the person you need. If I am merged with my partner, then I can avoid the experience of differences and the potential for pain that goes with it: frustration, jealousy, disappointment. Further, if we are the same person and want the same things, we don’t have to deal with learning how to negotiate or deal with conflict which is a vital component to a healthy relationship.
Many of us in committed, long-term relationships often attempt to find a balance between shared and separate experiences. In order to keep our relationships healthy and emotionally vital, we need to make sure there is “we” time for the couple and there is “me” time where you can pursue separate interests and friendships. If we don’t, relationships can grow stale and become stifling. It is possible for a couple to go too far in either direction. But, finding a balance can prove beneficial for all parties involved. I personally find it difficult to strike a balance. If I am not careful, I can become selfishly involved in my writing and if I put that interest aside, I can easily feel resentful and deprived.
So, tell me … how do you remain emotionally involved with your partner without losing sight of yourself? How do you remain an individual without sacrificing emotional connection?
